It was windy outside this afternoon. I didn’t turn the aircon on. I couldn’t find the remote controller anyway. I thought it was going to rain, but unexpectedly the rain didn’t come until I woke up. It was after my journey ended…

I was with Vivi, Ella, and some other friends in theporch of my (imaginary, possibly future) of my house. The weather was fine and it was Sunday afternoon. There were trees and flowers surrounding us, and strangely it’s close to St. Carolus hospital (which is actually surrounded by buildings in Salemba).

Ella and Vivi planned to go to Plaza Senayan. They didn’t tell me, but I knew it somehow.

Suddenly, I was at the entrance of the hospital and it’s dark outside. I wanted to go in since there was a short-cut from there to some place I wanted to go, but I can’t recall where’s the place. The securities stopped me. But then I saw Doctor Parlin which was the doctor of my (late) mother which she visited since the first years of her sickness. He forgot that Mom had died and asked me how she was. I told him that Mom was no longer with us, and asked his help if he could let me in. Then he let me in.

Once I was there, I saw a dark and big cemetery in front of the hospital. I got lost there, like many other visitors. None of them looked sad, but we all looked for the way to get to the place we wanted to go.

We didn’t find it.

I was sweating when I woke up. It was hot. I looked for the remote controller, and found it. It’s actually just on my pillow…

clipped from dreammoods.com

HospitalTo see a hospital in your dream, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life.

clipped from dreammoods.com

CemeteryTo dream that you are in a cemetery, indicates an end to a habit or behavior. You are experiencing a rebirth. More directly, the dream may symbolize sadness, unresolved grief or your fears about death.

Well, it’s just a dream anyway, right?

I’ve been having many symbolic dreams lately which I remembered when I opened my eyes, but forgot few minutes later, but I remember the dream I had last night.

I was with 4 of my friends which I couldn’t remember who but one of them was Ella. We’re alive but asked to sleep in 4 separated coffins by some old guy. Here’s the meaning of my dream:

To see a coffin in your dream, symbolizes the womb. If the coffin is empty, then it suggests that you are having some irreconcilable differences.

To see a body in a coffin, signifies that you will be going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and lack personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life and this dream is calling attention to it. It is time to end this situation or relationship.

But how if there were more than 1 coffin and 1 body in a dream, and one of the body was mine? Anyway, I reject all the negativity and I don’t believe in bad interpretations.

Early this morning, I found out that the dream I had last night means something else. I got a message from Vivi that her auntie passed away last night in her sleep at the age of 62. She suffered from diabetes. It might be the real meaning of the last night’s dream.

Mom left Dad and I for some reason. We didn’t know where she was and found it out from her sisters. She was preparing herself in a hotel and was going to Japan for few years to work there. I was so sad. I called her on her cellphone but she pretended that she couldn’t hear me and gave the phone to my aunt. My heart was so broken…

That’s why I cried and screamed in my sleep today. I suddenly remembered that Mom once took a picture in kimono before she got married.

I watched “Thérèse: The Story of Saint Thérèse of Lisieux” with Dad today. It’s okay, not as good as I expected. I admired her love for God, though, but I disagree with her love interpretation. Yes, she dedicated her youth and life all for God, but how to love and serve other people (other than those nuns in the same monastery they stayed)? Doesn’t God want His people to extend His love to all of human beings and not just to our “friends”? Leaving the real world to a monastery to me is just like escaping from reality…

Anyway, who am I so I can say this? I believe that God loved Thérèse de Lisieux very much because she loved Him more than other people did, and I could never love God as much as she did… The movie wasn’t too detailed and I got better understanding after reading her Wiki bio.

Have a good Tuesday.

I met my “future boyfriend” in my dream this afternoon. His name was Thomas, dark complexion, glasses, curly hair. Well, not as cute as the guy in this picture, but almost look alike He made me laugh and I was so happy, until Yayi’s call woke me up

I believe that the name came up as there’s a Thomas I talked to on the phone this morning. He’s Maya’s father The curly hair image, I got it when I tried to put in on Cupcake’s picture. Well, I was happy to be happy in my dream even only for few minutes, even though it’s a pathetic happiness…

I talked to Mom too over the phone in my dream. I was asking her permission to stay out of town for few days, and she didn’t let me. She cried and said, if I went out, then she’d be lonely. Those dreams have come back again lately. Sad, frustrating, heart-breaking dreams. I can be very sure that this isn’t what Mom wants, that I feel unhappy when I go to bed. Sometimes I try not to sleep, because I’m afraid that those dreams about Mom will come and haunt me again.

I didn’t go to get the bills paid this afternoon because Miskiyah is still too tired from her long trip from her hometown to Jakarta. I actually also wanted to get some new DVD movies, to kill time.

Last night I was kidnapped again by Yayi and Asad. We had dinner in Sektor 9, mutton soup — which has made my neck stiff up to now… Then we had a casual meeting at McDonald’s and talking about a near future business prospect. It all sounds good, but I have to wait for another couple of months to decide whether I want to join them again or not.

Chantique got her last vaccine yesterday and she didn’t cry at all, but she was so scared she urinated on the vet’s pants The vet said C’est Moi needs some diet as he’s slightly over-weight. I realized that he’s getting “rounder” but I didn’t know he’s over-weight as he’s still the smallest puppy in the house.

Mom came in to my dream again like everyday. She just passed away last night in my dream, and it was her second death. I chose a dress for her to wear in the coffin. That blue-white flowery dress.

I don’t want to forget Mom in every way, but I really wish that she comes in to my dream every time I sleep. The dreams bring me negative feelings, so God please lift it up from me…..

I called Dona last night at 00:15 and the birthday girl cried on the phone Her friend gave her a very bad news as her birthday gift and what a good friend the girl is! She told Dona that her boyfriend has another woman in the Middle East. I cried with her on the phone, then I called Vivi. Vivi and I actually have known about the affair of the asshole since Vivi was still in Dubai, but Vivi didn’t want to tell Dona because she doesn’t want to hurt her and Dona’s boyfriend is actually Vivi’s brother in law. So it’s another very complicated thing in this very complicated world…

Dona then called me again this afternoon and she was still crying. She blamed Vivi for not telling her and Vivi called Dona’s friend that gave her such an unforgettable birthday gift. And my name was mentioned, too. Vivi’s my soul sister and there’s no way that I won’t tell her. She even knows the color of my pee and poo, so she is the one that I trust the most and there’s no secret between us.

I told Dona that everyone might have a good intention to her, but anyway the decision is in her hand. If she still loved the asshole, don’t leave him and just deal with all the pains and hurts he caused. But if she wanted to move on, just go and never look back.

May God give that beautiful Dona wisdom and strength…

I dreamed of Mom again this early morning. I didn’t sleep the whole night and just fell asleep at 06:00. In my dream, we were exchanging gifts. I can’t remember what the occasion was. She gave me lotsa things and one of them was a box of leaves. She said I once asked her to buy me a box of a kit of drying leaves with some jars of colorful paint in it. Then I later wasn’t interested anymore in it because I couldn’t find leaves to dry and color. That’s why she gave me those leaves and she told me something that I can’t forget last night:

You have to finish what you start. Don’t give up easily, don’t waste anything.

She’ll always be my mother, a person that loves me the most, whether here on earth or there in Heaven…

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|-|3 w45 5w337 1n my dr34m 4nd w3 m4d3 |0v3 h4d 53x. 1 7h1nk |\/|0m w45 1n my dr34m, 700 4nd 5h3 |00k3d unh4ppy 5331n6 m3 w17h |\/|4r71n.

I don’t miss him at all and I don’t understand why he came in to my dream last night…

Dad was being weird last night. He suddenly came in to my room and told me funny things. |-|3 541d 7h47 7h3 d3v1| (4m3 70 h1m 4nd f1r57|y 0ff3r3d h1m m0n3y, 4nd wh3n h3 r3fu53d, 7h3 d3v1| (4m3 70 h1m 4641n 1n 4 f0rm 0f 4 d4n(1n6 834u71fu| w0m4n - 4nd y0u kn0w wh47?! |-|3 607 4r0u53d! 7h47′5 r34||y 4 d156u571n6 570ry, m0r3 d156u571n6 7h4n 7h3 w4y h3 d35(r183d m3 7h3 |00k 0f h15 p00 f3w d4y5 460 He got really mad when I seemed that I don’t believe in his “story”.

I was quite upset though that he likes being in front of the fan topless. I told him it’s bad for his lungs and he could get cold. He got upset and asked me to stop telling him what to do. So I stopped talking. I don’t want to argue as it’d worsen his blood pressure…

It’s not easy to mother my own father…